Stop Blaming Others

Think Success by Jayaram V

by Jayaram V

The following essay is reproduced with publisher's permission from the book Think Success by Jayaram V.

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Blaming others for one reason or the other is a common act in which most people engage. It is an important aspect of human relationships. The closer they get the more likely the chances are that people blame each other even for the most trivial reasons. A young daughter may blame her mother for spoiling her weekend because she has asked her to stay at home and clean her room. She will keep blaming her mentally and silently till she gets over with it.

A grownup one may blame her parents for sending her to a boarding school or a distant university for which they have a special attachment. A spouse may blame the other for losing his independence or peace of mind or credit worthiness. Children blaming parents, parents blaming their children, bosses blaming their team mates and team mates blaming their bosses, people blaming their leaders and leaders blaming their predecessors or the opposition, teachers blaming students, students blaming teachers, neighbors blaming neighbors, these are common facts of life, in which we not only reveal our hidden resentments but also our proclivity to let out our fears and frustrations through the criticism of others.

We do not spare even God from this blame game, even though we have never seen Him directly and we are not sure what role He actually plays in shaping our destinies or owning up our mistakes.

It is easier to find a scapegoat or blame others, with or without reason, but it requires a lot of courage to own one‘s faults and accept responsibility. We all look for such people but rarely assume that role ourselves. We are conditioned to seek approval and we know that we have an inherent desire for appreciation from other people. So we always strive to win the approval of others, trying to meet their expectations, putting on our best faces, but when things do not happen according to our expectations, we use the same human weakness to control others and make them feel guilty or submissive.

It is necessary that people need to be told at times what is wrong with them or where they can improve or excel. Constructive criticism is useful and necessary for nurturing relationships, building trust and improving people, whom we love or whose welfare we dearly want. But there will be a problem, if we use blame and culpability to control others, feel ourselves good or hide our own failures, imperfections and frustrations from others. Many people do it, especially in work environment, where accountability and responsibility put people under severe scrutiny and subject them to the high stake game of reward and punishment based on their actions and contribution.

 I am not sure whether animals have the tendency to blame each other. They do fight but not sure whether they fight because someone made a mistake or a wrong decision. But humans do. For us it is a natural defensive reaction, a part of our survival instinct, in which our intelligence and reason often follow a devious path to safeguard our image and interests or by which we let out our strong emotions and unburden ourselves. While we cannot entirely remove it from our behavior, here are some ways in which we can curb our critical attitude and learn to appreciate people for what they are.


You may not be aware, but it is true that you are responsible for whatever that happens in your life. You are the author of your life and the creator of your reality. Every event and moment of your life is created by you, with your thoughts, intentions and actions. You have that spark of divinity in you, which gives you an unlimited ability and a wonderful opportunity to mould your life and carve your cherished path. You are endowed with the power to direct your life, using your intelligence and exercising your free will. You can use it effectively to carve the course of your life and the shape of things yet to come. The environment in which you live, the people that come into your life, the problems you encounter as you pass through the portals of life, the successes and failures you experience in your endeavors are not the work of some invisible force or twisted fate, but your own consciousness. You may blame a thousand people for myriad reasons. But your life is your responsibility. You have the freedom to choose the best of the options that are available to you in any given circumstance. You always have the freedom to choose the correct response as well as the right action. You have the power to control your thoughts and your actions and mould them in whatever way you want. Certain factors in your life may be out of your control. But you always have the ability to adapt yourself to them and minimize their impact. There are many ways in which you can solve problems and you always have choices to deal with them. So if something goes wrong, instead of blaming others and outside forces, ask yourself how you precipitated it and how you can resolve it.


Before you set out to blame others for whatever mistakes they might have made or the real blame they deserve, examine your own motives. Search your heart and be truthful and honest to yourself. We blame people for several reasons. Some are valid and some not really valid. If you blame others because you want to avoid being blamed, you have to be more introspective and true to yourself. You should do the same in case you are doing it to suppress your own feelings of guilt or remorse. Sometime we also tend to blame others out of deep seated prejudice or past resentment. Once you form an opinion about a person it is difficult to erase it from your mind. We tend to criticize those whom we dislike most for one reason or the other. So it is essential to examine our motives when we begin to think about others critically and see from where the thoughts are arising. If genuine criticism is due, make sure that it is given for right reasons, with no hidden or ulterior motive.


If you think negatively or indulge in negative actions, be assured that you will face negative situations in your life. On the contrary, if you think positively and act positively, you are bound to attract positive forces into your life and create happiness, peace and prosperity. These things may not happen immediately or as you expect. But your dominant thoughts and emotions do precipitate reality, sooner or later, in ways you may not even imagine. Blaming others is in itself a negative act and if you do it out of your own negativity or frustration or anger, you will attract many negative forces into your life, besides impairing your relationship with those whom you blame and attracting their displeasure and enmity in return. No one likes to be criticized, especially for wrong reasons or in a negative manner. So make sure that you remain positive even when you have to criticize someone or fix accountability and make it impersonal and objective to the extent possible. If you explain to the other person what you have to say and why you have to say it, chances are the other person appreciates your compulsions and your obligations and does not harbor any ill feelings towards you.

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