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by Ron Huxley
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Do you feel like what you accomplish is never quite good enough?
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Do you often put off turning in papers or projects, waiting to
get them just right?
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Do you feel you must give more than 100
percent on everything you do or else you will be mediocre or even a
failure?
If so, rather than simply working toward success, you may in fact
be trying to be perfect. Perfectionism refers to a set of
self-defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively
high unrealistic goals. Perfectionism is often mistakenly seen in
our society as desirable or even necessary for success. However,
recent studies have shown that perfectionist attitudes actually
interfere with success. The desire to be perfect can both rob you of
a sense of personal satisfaction and cause you to fail to achieve as
much as people who have more realistic strivings.
Causes of Perfectionism
If you are a perfectionist, it is likely that you learned early
in life that other people valued you because of how much you
accomplished or achieved. As a result you may have learned to value
yourself only on the basis of other people's approval. Thus your
self-esteem may have come to be based primarily on external
standards. This can leave you vulnerable and excessively sensitive
to the opinions and criticism of others. In attempting to protect
yourself from such criticism, you may decide that being perfect is
your only defense.
A number of the following negative feelings, thoughts, and
beliefs may be associated with perfectionism:
- Fear of failure. Perfectionists often equate failure to
achieve their goals with a lack of personal worth or value.
- Fear
of making mistakes. Perfectionists often equate mistakes with
failure. In orienting their lives around avoiding mistakes,
perfectionists miss opportunities to learn and grow.
- Fear of
disapproval. If they let others see their flaws, perfectionists
often fear that they will no longer be accepted. Trying to be
perfect is a way of trying to protect themselves from criticism,
rejection, and disapproval.
- All-or-none thinking. Perfectionists
frequently believe that they are worthless if their accomplishments
are not perfect. Perfectionists have difficulty seeing situations in
perspective. For example, a straight “A" student who receives
a “B" might believe, “I am a total failure."
- Overemphasis
on “shoulds." Perfectionists' lives are often structured by
an endless list of “shoulds" that serve as rigid rules for
how their lives must be led. With such an overemphasis on shoulds,
perfectionists rarely take into account their own wants and desires.
- Believing that others are easily successful. Perfectionists tend
to perceive others as achieving success with a minimum of effort,
few errors, emotional stress, and maximum self-confidence. At the
same time, perfectionists view their own efforts as unending and
forever inadequate.
The Vicious Cycle of Perfectionism
Perfectionist attitudes set in motion a vicious cycle. First,
perfectionists set unreachable goals. Second, they fail to meet
these goals because the goals were impossible to begin with. Failure
to reach them was thus inevitable. Third, the constant pressure to
achieve perfection and the inevitable chronic failure reduce
productivity and effectiveness. Fourth, this cycle leads
perfectionists to be self-critical and self-blaming which results in
lower self-esteem. It may also lead to anxiety and depression. At
this point perfectionists may give up completely on their goals and
set different goals thinking, “This time if only I try harder I
will succeed." Such thinking sets the entire cycle in motion
again.
This vicious cycle can be illustrated by looking at a way in
which perfectionists often deal with interpersonal relationships.
Perfectionists tend to anticipate or fear disapproval and rejection
from those around them. Given such fear, perfectionists may react
defensively to criticism and in doing so frustrate and alienate
others. Without realizing it, perfectionists may also apply their
unrealistically high standards to others, becoming critical and
demanding of them. Furthermore, perfectionists may avoid letting
others see their mistakes, not realizing that self-disclosure allows
others to perceive them as more human and thus more likeable.
Because of this vicious cycle perfectionists often have difficulty
being close to people and therefore have less than satisfactory
interpersonal relationships.
Healthy Striving
Healthy goal setting and striving are quite different from the
self-defeating process of perfectionism. Healthy strivers tend to
set goals based on their own wants and desires rather than primarily
in response to external expectations. Their goals are usually just
one step beyond what they have already accomplished. In other words,
their goals are realistic, internal, and potentially attainable.
Healthy strivers take pleasure in the process of pursuing the task
at hand rather than focusing only on the end result. When they
experience disapproval or failure, their reactions are generally
limited to specific situations rather than generalized to their
entire self-worth.
What to do About Perfectionism
The first step in changing from perfectionist attitudes to
healthy striving is to realize that perfectionism is undesirable.
Perfection is an illusion that is unattainable. The next step is to
challenge the self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that fuel
perfectionism. Some of the following strategies may help:
- Set realistic and reachable goals based on your own wants and
needs and what you have accomplished in the past. This will enable
you to achieve and also will lead to a greater sense of self-esteem.
- Set subsequent goals in a sequential manner. As you reach a goal,
set your next goal one level beyond your present level of
accomplishment.
- Experiment with your standards for success.
Choose any activity and instead of aiming for 100 percent, try for
90 percent, 80 percent, or even 60 percent success. This will help
you to realize that the world does not end when you are not perfect.
- Focus on the process of doing an activity not just on the end
result. Evaluate your success not only in terms of what you
accomplished but also in terms of how much you enjoyed the task.
Recognize that there can be value in the process of pursuing a goal.
- Use feelings of anxiety and depression as opportunities to ask
yourself, “Have I set up impossible expectations for myself in
this situation?"
- Confront the fears that may be behind your
perfectionism by asking yourself, “What am I afraid of? What is
the worst thing that could happen?"
- Recognize that many
positive things can only be learned by making mistakes. When you
make a mistake ask, “What can I learn from this experience?"
More specifically, think of a recent mistake you have made and list
all the things you can learn from it.
- Avoid all-or-none thinking
in relation to your goals. Learn to discriminate the tasks you want
to give high priority to from those tasks that are less important to
you. On less important tasks, choose to put forth less effort. Once
you have tried these suggestions, you are likely to realize that
perfectionism is not a helpful or necessary influence in your life.
There are alternative ways to think that are more beneficial. Not
only are you likely to achieve more without your perfectionism, but
you will feel better about yourself in the process.
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