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by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
The holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration when
friends and families get together to share
food, fun, gifts, and
love. They are supposed to be a time of giving, caring and
connection when we celebrate important and meaningful events.
Why, then, are they often so stressful and what can we do to make
them more fun and peaceful?
Changing the holiday season from stressful to peaceful depends
upon one thing: INTENT. Your intent is whatever is most important to
you in any particular moment or situation.
At any given moment, we are always in one of two intents. Put in
simple terms, it is either more important to you in any given moment
to:
1) Be loving to yourself and others, or
2) Get love and approval
Your intent determines your behavior and your feelings. Let’s
take an example.
Peggy is married with two children. Peggy grew up in a family
where she was trained to define her self- worth through other’s
approval – that is, Peggy believes that if others value what she
does, she is okay, but if they don’t, then she is unworthy and
unlovable. Therefore, Peggy’s almost constant intent is to get
love and approval. She does this by trying to do everything
perfectly – the house has to be perfect, the food has to be
perfect, she has to get everyone the perfect gifts. She believes
that if everything is perfect, she can have control over how others
feel about her and she will get the approval she believes she needs
to feel worthy.
The problem is that trying to do everything perfectly creates a
lot of stress. Whatever means we use – whether it be perfection,
compliance, anger or blame - we will always be stressed when the
intent is to have control over getting love and approval.
Because Peggy does not know how to define her own worth, she
feels empty inside until she gets approval. Once she gets the
approval, she feels a moment of fullness, which rapidly disappears
and then needs to be filled again with more approval. Others around
her feel her pull for approval, and may also feel stressed in the
face of it. They may like what she does for them, but they may not
feel loved by her giving to them to get their approval.
Sophia is also married with children. Sophia also grew up to
believe that her worth was based on other’s approval. However,
Sophia has done enough inner emotional and spiritual work to learn
to define her own worth. Because she is no longer dependent upon
others’ approval to define her worth, she is free to express
herself in ways that are loving to herself and others. Rather than
worrying about what anyone will think of her, Sophia joyfully goes
about decorating, cooking and buying presents because it’s fun for
her to do so. For Sophia, the holidays are an opportunity to express
herself and her love for others. Because she is defining and
expressing her own worth, she feels full inside. Approval may be the
icing on the cake, but it is not the cake itself.
Because Sophia receives such joy from expressing herself and
giving to others without needing anything in return to feel worthy,
others feel loved by her giving. While others may be stressed if
they are giving to get approval, Sophia herself remains peaceful and
joyful.
We all have a choice each moment to decide who we want to be – a
person who is trying to have control over getting love and approval,
or a person who is giving love to ourselves and others. Who we
decide to be determines how we feel. If our intent is to get love
and approval, then we may think that others determine our feelings,
but it is really our own intent that is responsible for how we end
up feeling.
Why not start now, before the holidays, noticing your intent? Why
not open now to giving yourself – the child within you – the
approval he or she needs to feel worthy? If you start to practice
today being in the intent to love yourself and others, perhaps by
the time the holidays come around you can really have a good time!
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