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by Kare Anderson
Become the safe, trusted center in skirmishes and you’ll be the
one others want to support.
Here are some specific suggestions for acting honorably and
productively to reduce friction and find ways for bring out the
better side in others. Use these methods and you’ll naturally
reduce friction and reach better agreements more easily.
1. Anticipate what you want out of a situation before you go into
it. Savvy negotiator, Howard Raiffa once said, ‘It is easier to
deal with a jerk who knows what he wants than a pleasant person who
doesn’t. Know your most important goal in the situation in
advance, then you will be more able to listen, open and flexible in
the situation. Without a goal, you have less context, thus you
listen less and are more likely to be rigid and reactionary. You can
always change your goal in the situation.
2. Demonstrate visible goodwill upfront. Establish your
willingness to find a compromise and ability to be genial even and
especially if you don't like the person or the situation. This is
first a commitment to your own standard of behavior, and secondly
the best way to keep the channels open.
3. Know that "less is often more." Especially in the
beginning, listen more, talk and move less and keep your motions and
voice lower and slower. These animal behaviors increase the chances
that others will feel more safe and comfortable around you.
4. Go slow to go fast. When you first meet and re-meet people,
move and talk more slowly and obliquely. Give them room to "own
their territory" and feel heard. Later you can be more direct
and move quickly. For role models, watch of the classic TV lead
characters (with the sound on and off) in Murder, She Wrote, Matlock
and Columbo.
5. Act as if the world is going to treat you well. Look to their
positive intent, especially when they appear to have none, and you
are more likely to eventually bring out their more positive side.
6. Play with your full deck. You have a wide variety of physical
and verbal ways of behaving, from understated to outspoken, most of
which you've lost after around fourth grade.
Now you have a more narrow range of behaviors. "Play with
your full deck" by using more "cards", that is more
ways of reacting to others. Widen your range of behaviors to act
more like the person you are with: voice level and rage, kinds and
number of body motions, etc.
When you are more like them, you will feel more familiar to them
so you get "in sync" and they can feel more comfortable
with you and what you have to say.
7. Step outside yourself to see the situation as the other people
might. In hostile situations we tend to focus on the best parts of
how we are acting and the worst parts of how they are acting. This
causes escalation.
Presume innocence. You can't raise positive people on negative
feedback.
8. Make an instinctual habit to refer to the other person's
interests first. Practice the thoughtful approach to connecting with
others, "Triangle Talk" and refer to their interests first
(you), then how the topic relates to your mutual interests (us) and
finally, how it relates to your interests (me.) Research shows they
will listen sooner, longer, remember more and assume you have a
higher I.Q. than if you were to address your interests first, and
then theirs.
9. Act to enable them to save face and self - correct and you
will preserve the relationship. If you think they are lying, keep
asking questions (until you lose control or run out of imagination)
rather than accusing them of misrepresentation. Asking questions
gives you the time to see if, if fact, you were mistaken, thus
possibly saving face for yourself. If your suspicions prove
correction, by asking questions, you are gently inquiring rather
than blaming and allowing them to acknowledge a mistake or
misunderstanding and saving face. They are then more likely to
correct the situation. You also leave room to escalate later if they
do not acknowledge the error.
10. Honor commonalities more frequently than bringing up the
differences. What ever you refer to most and most intensely will be
the center of your relationship. Keep referring to the part of them
and their points that you can support and want to expand upon.
11. Don't assume they readily see the picture you are presenting.
Do not presume that the other person recognizes all the benefits of
what you are proposing. Take time to vividly describe them in their
terms.
12. Don't push to close. When considering how fast to move in
suggesting a "final offer" or other form of agreement,
lean towards moving slower, especially at first. The best results,
as with a Chinese meal, happen with the most time spent on advanced
preparation and groundwork, so the final part goes most smoothly and
quickly.
13. Have a main spokesperson. If there is more than one person
representing you or your group's interests, make sure that only one
person is responsible for taking the lead in discussions and that
each person know the content area and personality style they will
represent.
14. Don't offer what you can't accept. Do not bluff in making an
offer you cannot life with, if accepted. For example, including
parts that you believe the other person would find unacceptable and
not accept and then would move onto another alternative.
15. Make the same offer a different way. Do not overlook
rearranging the same elements of an offer to find a more mutually
attractive compromise. For example, in money, consider alternative
timing and division of payments.
16. Walk your talk. Find ways to reflect your values in how you
approach your work and all the people in your life. Your mission
gives you your daily context and boundaries.
17. Be present. As many contests require, "You have to be
present to win." Keep grounded and involved in what is
happening right now, what is being said at the moment, glancing to
the past and future only for context and balance.
18. Consider how you say what you say. Consider their perspective
in how you make any request. For example, a priest once asked his
superior if he could smoke while praying, which led to a denial of
his request. Yet if he'd asked if he could pray while smoking he
might have received a positive response.
19. Make and keep agreements. In an often unpredictable world,
you build an "emotional deposit' of trust when your words and
actions aren't contradictory. Then when you make mistakes, as you
will, they have built up a level of trust to help them forgive your
lapse.
20. Have a larger vision of yourself as your reference point for
making daily choices. Establish your central life purpose and core
values and let your actions reflect them. Your choices are much
easier to make, you will inspire loyalty and attract others to act
out their best side when around you.
21. Take your high road. Have a core set of values and a vision
of your service and role in your life; relate your vision to your
mission of your organization, your role among family and friends and
your actions in reaching agreements
22. Use time, rather than letting it control you. Plan and act
early to avoid last minute rushing and thinking. Do not be panicked
when you have unavoidable outside time constraints. Use the time reassure
to get more accomplished in less time.
23. Find fairness first. Remember it is usually more important to
be -- and appear to be-- fair than well-liked. And, while not
mutually exclusive, they are not always synonymous options.
24. Agree amongst yourselves first. If more than one person is
involved in representing one perspective in a conflict, it is always
helpful to agree on the bottom line first among yourselves; and to
not mistake knowing the content to be discussed with agreeing on
your common bottom line. We don't always hear the same things, even
among genial colleagues. Thus your bottom line and specific approach
bear repeating amongst yourselves before entering discussions with
others.
25. Always show respect in your process even if you can't respect
the person. If you embarrass someone while trying to reach
agreement, you may never have their full attention again.
26. Recognize your blind spots and your hot buttons. When you
find yourself getting angry with someone else, look to yourself
before lashing out.
27. There is no single "right method." The best way to
reach an agreement depends more on the situation than on a set
negotiating style or method.
28. Show respect for yourself by respecting them. Even and
especially when you have the upper hand, do not make a victim of the
underdog.
29. Trust the power of trust over all other qualities. Being
right, smart or hardworking is often no help in protecting your
interests. Being trusted to act in mutual best interests is often
more valuable.
30. Be a "synthesizer "leader. The person who listens
longest at first, then most refers to others' points in common as a
way of stating their own perspective will eventually gain the most
power in a group.
31. Support their pride in how they are performing well. The more
they like the way they are when they are around you, the greater the
chance is that they will like you, even give you credit for things
you did not do and go out of the way to help you, event to their own
detriment.
On the other hand, if they do not like the way they are when they
are around you, they will blame you for it, more than they are
consciously aware. They won't give you credit for things you did and
may even sabotage projects on which you are working, even to their
own detriment.
32. There is no single "right method." The best way to
reach an agreement depends more on the situation than on a set
negotiating style or method.
33. Make them feel safe and respected In every situation, people
are guided by their fears and opportunities, their instinctual likes
and dislikes. They will always respond quicker, stronger and longer
to what they fear and dislike. Acknowledge and respond first to
their concerns and they will be open to hearing about the
opportunities.
34. Help them change. People change most easily when they believe
others they respect have already done something similar. Your third
party endorsements from those other people are a credible grounding
for your points.
35. Paint your biggest, best picture for others. Give people a
vivid picture of all that they could have and they often won't settle
for the lesser option they originally considered.
36. Show them the positive longer view. Many seemingly foolish
disagreements and negotiations are simply acting to prevent looking
foolish later on. The best peacemakers work hardest to allay the
other person's worries first.
37. Look for the real source of the anger. When someone is angry
with you, consider that she may be upset with herself before you
respond.
38. Problems seldom exist at the level at which they are
discussed. When you are involved in any argument lasting more than
ten minutes, ask yourself: "Are we arguing about what our
disagreement is really about or is there a deeper conflict not being
discussed?"
39. Aim humor at yourself. One way to release tension is to poke
fun at yourself. Make reference to a situation where you did
something foolish.
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