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by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Carmen, a client of mine, told me at the end of one of her
sessions, “I’m no longer willing to be a trash
can for others’
negativity.”
“Wow!” I said. “I’m delighted to hear that! And I love
that metaphor!”
Carmen is a lovely, warm, intelligent and compassionate young
woman in her late 20’s. Coming from a very narcissistic mother,
Carmen learned early in life to be safe from her mother’s anger by
listening to her mother’s complaints. She learned to put aside her
own feelings and be a mother to her mother. Of course, no matter how
much she gave to her mother, it was never enough. It wasn’t until
Carmen started her inner work that she discovered was narcissism
was.
Early in our work together, Carmen discovered that most of her
friends were just like her mother. “ I sit and listen to them
complain or listen to them brag. They are never interested in me at
all. If I say anything about myself, they always bring it right back
to themselves. Why are so many of my friends like this?”
“Because you are willing to listen without speaking up for
yourself. There are many self-absorbed people, narcissistic people
with entitlement issues, who just love it when someone is willing to
listen to them. As long as you are willing to listen their
complaints and support their self-centeredness, they will continue
to do it.”
“But if I speak up, I won’t have any friends.”
“Well, you might not have many friends for awhile, but
eventually you will find new friends – people who really care
about you. When you are willing to care about yourself instead of
putting yourself aside, you will attract people who care about you.
But this will take time. You need to be willing to lose others
rather than continue to lose yourself. Do you think you are ready to
do this?”
“Yes! I don’t want to be a trash can anymore. I don’t want
people dumping their negativity onto me anymore.”
How do you feel inside when you allow others to dump their
negativity - their complaints, their anger, their self-centeredness
and sense of entitlement onto you? If you really look inside instead
of pushing your own feelings into a closet, you will discover that
you feel really lonely with these people. There is no mutual
support, no sharing of love, no mutual giving and receiving. You
give and they take, and you end up feeling drained and lonely. Yet
you hang in there for fear of being alone with no friends or no
partner.
If you are really honest with yourself, you will find that it’s
not worth it – that you deserve better than to be a trash can for
others’ negativity.
It takes faith and courage to speak up for yourself. It takes
courage to say to your friend who is dumping her negativity onto
you, “This doesn’t feel good. Whenever we are together all you
do is complain or talk on and on about yourself. You are never
interested in me at all, and this is no longer okay with me. Either
this needs to change or I don’t want to spend time with you. It’s
not fun for me and I just end up feeling used and drained.”
When you become willing to speak up for yourself, you will discover
who really are your friends and who was just using you. Some people
may say, “I’m so grateful you told me this. I didn’t realize I
was doing this. I want to stop, and I would appreciate your pointing
it out to me next time I do it.” Others will go into denial and
say, “That’s not true. I listen to you all the time.” Others
will just get angry and go away.
It’s a great way to discover who your friends really are!
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