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by George Ministeri
In the 34 years that I have been doing psychic counseling, it is
only in the past 10 years that I have
been involved with couples
counseling. One thing I have noticed with many couples, whether
those couples are a man and a woman, two women, or two men, is that
there is often a lack of real and meaningful communication. This
lack of communication causes small conflicts to become heated
arguments where issues are not resolved because both partners are
trying to make their points and are not even listening to what the
other person has to say. Nothing can ever be resolved when one
person raises his or her voice with what only appears to the other
person to be demands.
The effect of this is that the other person
feels as if they are being scolded like a parent scolds a child and
this causes the person to close up in a defensive posturing attitude
where they don't bother listening to what the other person is
saying. This intensifies the problem because when the person who is
relating the problem area in their life feels that they are being
shut out, or ignored, by their partner there is no meaningful dialog
which allows a resolution to be achieved. The only resolution to the
problem is for one or both partners to bring the subject up again,
which might only create the same result. Instead of being resolved
this issue now smolders like a hot ember, and this can make for an
emotional forest fire!
The way I try to resolve issues like this is to teach couples how
to discuss issues instead of just yelling and having the entire
situation turning into World War III. There are several steps
couples can take to have a good, open, and loving discussion, and to
reduce the friction in their relationship by learning to resolve the
very important issues that cause them to misunderstand each others
feelings.
One of the most effective steps I teach couples is to express
their anger, fears, aggravations, and concerns to their partner.
This allows them the freedom of opening up without the fear of
confrontation. It is a very simple method, but has certain rules
which must be followed.
One of the ways I teach couples to do this is to encourage them
to write a journal to document the issues in their relationship
which they feel are causing problems. Detail is very important here.
They must also devote an hour of uninterrupted time each week for
open discussion. This discussion has to occur on the same day, and
at the same time, and becomes a weekly ritual for the couple. During
this hour, each of the partners has 30 minutes to read from their
journal. While each partner reads their journal, the other partner
cannot interrupt, or make any comments. After this hour, I encourage
each partner to spend some time alone, and to reflect upon what they
have just heard. They must also remember not to have any discussion
about what has just been said. However, they can add some of this
new information into their journals for the following week’s
discussion. This method is not a quick fix for a troubled
relationship, but most couples are amazed that after several months
they are now working together to resolve the problems in their
relationship.
One of the most complex interactions we face in life is the
relationship with our partners. There is often some initial spark
which brings two people together, but for a relationship to thrive
it requires communication, cooperation, and compromise. This is only
one of the many techniques which can be used to help couple resolve
issues, but by teaching couples how to effectively communicate, it
helps to strengthen the foundations of their relationship.
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