Five Signs it Might Be Yours and Steps To Change
by Dr. Tony Fiore
There’s no doubt about it: we live in an angry society. Signs
that anger
abounds are all over the place. There is desk rage, road
rage, domestic violence, spousal abuse, child abuse, sports rage and
most recently spam rage. Anger is a worldwide phenomenon and
referrals to anger management programs have exploded since 9/11.
Anger in its purest form makes us strong, gives us energy to
fight the supposed enemy. Whereas the opposite is true when one
feels helpless or fearful; that is when we displace our anger on to
other people and situations. We might smash a computer or a kid or a
wife or whatever happens to be nearby.
There are five distinct signs that an individual is living under
the influence of anger. The first is frequency. There is a
misconception that people take anger management classes to rid
themselves of anger. That is not the goal at all. Anger is a natural
response; it’s how we deal with it that makes it a problem. We
need to distinguish the times between when it’s our right to be
angry and when anger isn’t a wise idea. If we have righteous
indignation and use anger to change society in some way, in those
cases it’s appropriate. But 95% of the time anger is probably an
inappropriate response.
The second sign of an angry life is when the anger lasts too
long. With some individuals, all they have to do is imagine or
remind themselves of a situation and they become angry all over
again. If the anger lasts over a period of time, it would be wise to
seek professional help and deal with the situation.
Intensity is a third sign of anger. Anger is a matter of degree
and patterns, generally falling into three basic patterns. The first
is the ‘exploder,’ where a person goes off like a volcano over a
very little provocation. The ‘stewer’ constantly builds
resentment towards someone or something and doesn’t show it for a
long period of time. They finally express their anger usually over
some little incident. A person who is ‘passive/aggressive’ will
be angry but they won’t show it directly. They will use back door
methods to alert the perpetrator of their anger. It’s a problem
when any of those tactics are too intense.
Obviously, anytime anger leads to aggression it’s a sign that
something is wrong. That’s the fourth sign. Spousal abuse is a
major issue in our society. After the OJ Simpson case, people are
super sensitive to any display of aggression in a marital
relationship.
Finally, if it is interfering at work and causing a problem with
supervisors or with employees or managers, something is wrong and
that’s another good sign that anger may be driving your life.
Anger management is neither counseling nor psychotherapy. It’s
an intervention that teaches skills in managing anger, stress,
improving communications and developing the capacity to be more
empathetic.
When it comes to dealing with anger, the first step is awareness;
awareness of what tends to trigger intense feelings in you. When you
can anticipate what is likely to occur in those situations, you can
step back and take stock of the situation. Take a mental time out in
which you allow yourself some time to reflect and think of the best
course of action, one that will not be harmful to you or the other
party.
Another important way to handle anger is self talk. This is
extremely important and learning to tell yourself positive things
can help you get a different perspective on the situation. Tell
yourself you have a lot more to live for than the other person and
find a way to detach from the other person. Other things you can say
are “I don’t need to prove myself in this situation, I can stay
calm.” Or “As long as I keep cool I’m in control of myself.”
“I need to take time to relax and slow things down.” “The only
thing I can control is myself and how I express my feelings.”
So many people get angry because they’re trying to get another
person to change; their partner, their parents or boss. The fact is
that it’s impossible to make other people change. They will only
change if they want to. When you change your approach and you
communicate differently it pulls different behavior from the other
person and it completely changes the style of interaction.
Taking responsibility for yourself and your own feelings is
critical at home. Especially in relationships, partners will start
escalating each other and before long you have a major conflict.
Both people think they’re right and justified in how they’re
feeling and behaving. There’s no end of triggers or reasons to
make you angry. At some point you have to take responsibility in
order to start changing the pattern.
Anger is a normal human emotion. If one does not experience anger
then it is not possible to experience joy, love or any other
emotion. The problem is not to rid oneself of anger, but to manage
anger in such a way that leads to a positive outcome for yourself
and others.
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