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by Ron Huxley
Although there are many myths of anger management, parents are
faced with
two major myths that impact their relationship with
children. These two myths are "If you get it out, it will go
away" and "All anger is bad, therefore get rid of
it."
The first myth is the most common one for parents to contend
with. Parents and children have bought into the idea that venting
and tantruming will make your anger go away. To some extent this is
true. Yelling or punching something will release tension but it
fails to deal with the underlying problem.
Lets assume that letting your anger out does work. Obviously,
something must be working if so many people are prescribing to it.
The truth is that it does work in the short-term. Letting your anger
out does release built up tension and frustration. Unfortunately, it
won't solve problems per se. It may cause children to avoid parents
or walk on "egg shells" around them. This is not the type
of solution parents should be looking for.
Letting out anger can also be addictive to some degree. Many
parents like the feeling that anger gives them. They may feel more
powerful, in control, or simply alive. Research shows that this kind
of behavior can have a physiological rush or high associated with
it. Of course, it does not consider the interpersonal or physical
costs of such behavior.
Lastly, letting out anger can be a way to get your needs met. The
best example is a tantruming child. Why do they throw a tantrum?
Because it assists them in getting what they want. Otherwise, they
wouldn't bother with it (discipline hint). Adults also throw
tantrums. They may find that employees, spouses, and children are
more likely to do what they want when they are angry. Many parents
will admit that the only time they can get their child's cooperation
is when they yell or scream. They don't like their actions but they
find it useful.
The reality behind the myth of letting anger out is that it
doesn't go away permanently. Anger comes back instead of going away.
And it comes back in greater force now that the parent feels guilty
about their last public display of anger and their coping skills
have failed. Failure and frustration is a deadly combination that
leads to even more anger.
The second major myth of anger management is the all anger is
bad, therefore it must be eliminated. This myth is learned by
children when parents tell them to stuff or repress their anger.
Parents will say: "Don't take that tone of voice with me, young
man!" or "If your going to act like that, you can go to
your room!" Parents are following societies lead that anger is
all bad.
The reality is that anger is neither good or bad. Anger is a
neutral emotion with a specific purpose in our psyches. It is a
God-given emotion that warns us of a real or perceived threat to
ourselves. It is also an early warning detection system that informs
us of a need to change an undesirable situation.
Physiologically, anger is a fight or flight response to stressors
or threats. These stressors might be real (a child ruins their new
clothes) or perceived to be real (the thought that a child is going
to ruin their clothes by running around outside). The mind does not
discriminate between the two. Furthermore, physiological research
shows that the higher order areas of the brain that control
forethought, decision-making, and planning become less stimulated
and the more primitive or basic function areas of the brain become
more stimulated. These primitive areas control involuntary functions
such as breathing, heart rate, and large muscle control. This is
referred to as the fight or flight response and appears to be the
bodies natural reaction to a stressor or threat. Another (albeit a
tongue-in-cheek) way of describing this is that "anger makes
you stupid!" When we get angry, we do things we wouldn't
ordinarily do and say things we wouldn't ordinarily say.
Perhaps this is one reason that experts suggest parents count to
10 or backwards from a hundred before responding to their children.
It allows parents to re-stimulate the higher order areas of the
brain so that they are back in control of what they say and do.
Anger is also part of the normal grief process. It allows parents
to take action to correct a wrong or change an injustice that being
depressed (another stage of grief) does not allow parents to do.
Depressed parents have difficulty setting limits or being nurturing
to their children. Angry parents, if not abusive, can use their
energy to set firm but kind limits and teach right from wrong.
Following this they can reassure their child that they love their
child by giving them a hug and a few words of comfort.
I think Benjamin Franklin said it best: "Anger is never
without a reason, but seldom a good one." Most parents anger is
not bad, but they use it inappropriately and feel bad as a result.
Hopefully, understanding how these two myths affect parents lives
will enable them to use anger as it was intended to be used and
manage it more effectively.
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