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by Dr. Tony Fiore
Jim and Mary Jones loved each other deeply, but often went into
horrific
verbal battles over any number of issues. They would argue
and yell for hours, often into the night, leaving both of them
exhausted, emotionally disconnected, hurt and resentful toward each
other.
Both became so upset they were flooded with negative feelings
which prevented their being able to repair the damage, to think
rationally, or to problem-solve the issues at hand.
Much of this emotional suffering could have been prevented or
least minimized had they learned anger control tool #8:
—“Retreat and Think Things Over.”
Basically this means to temporarily distance yourself from the
situation for a period of time so that both of you can calm down.
This allows your bodily systems to return to normal, and allows your
normally good reasoning and thinking ability to return.
Easier Said Than Done
Yes, it is much easier said than done. It is one of those tools
that sounds deceptively simple, yet it is by no means easy to do for
at least two reasons:
There is a common myth that all relationship conflicts should be
“settled” in the moment while the intense feelings are present.
If you do not do this, you may be accused of “avoiding” the
issue.
Once stress or anger levels escalate to a certain point, one or
both partners reach a point of no-return, due to flooding of the
brain with intense emotions. This makes it almost impossible to
disengage from each other and stop the fight.
Heed these Warning Signs
You know it is time to Retreat and Think Things Over when you
are:
- Feeling overwhelmed during an argument
- Raising your voice
to an unusual level
- Feeling your temper is out of control
- You notice your heart racing
- Sense your muscles tensing
- Can’t
think straight and you start to feel hostile.
Why this tool works
Temporarily removing yourself from the situation allows your body
to return to normal, provides a cooling-down time. It also allows
your brain to return to its normal state where you can reason and
think better.
This tool helps prevents you or your partner from saying unfair
or hurtful things in the heat of battle—which can easily escalate
into further conflicts and resentments, causing you and your partner
to become even more emotionally cut-off and distanced from each
other.
Some Basic Rules
While the concept of “Retreat and Think Things Over” is
simple, it will not work very well unless the following rules are
followed:
- Rule #1: You can only use the tool for yourself - not your
partner. It does not usually work for you to tell your partner it is
time for them to retreat.
- Rule #2: Announce that you need to take a time out and Retreat
before you do it. This should be done using assertive communication
in a way that clearly conveys your need to leave before thing get
out of hand, as opposed to your leaving to merely avoid dealing with
the situation.
- Rule #3- You need to commit to a reasonable length of time to
return and deal with the issue— no longer than several hours, as a
general rule.
- Rule #4: Don’t drink or use drugs to get high during this time.
It will be much harder, if not impossible, to convince your partner
of your sincerity in wanting to work things out if you return
intoxicated or high.
- Rule #5: Be very careful and very selective in who you talk to
during your Retreat Time. While there is a natural tendency to
contact a friend or family member who is sympathetic, you should be
careful.
Why is this important? Because they may have a permanently
negative view of your partner, even after you have made-up and
things are now fixed in the relationship. You can’t necessarily
expect your family to turn the positive emotions back on like you
have.
Temporarily removing yourself from the situation allows your body
and mind to return to normal, allowing your normally good reasoning
to return.
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