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by Jayaram V
Human relationships are fickle. Think of all the
relationships you had in the
past. Think of the people you met
and the friendships you formed. Think of the great moments you
spent with them and the amount of energy you invested in them or
them in you. What happened to those people and relationships?
How many of them survived? Where are they now? Do you think of
them at all? How many of them do you actually remember? Do you
know where and what they might be doing?
The most challenging aspect of human life is how you cope with
the impermanence of human relationships and how you deal with
the unpredictability of human behavior upon which the
relationships rest. Both professionally and personally, managing
relationships is the most challenging and time consuming
aspect of human life, unless one prefers to shun society and
live in isolation. If you are a sensitive person looking for
meaningful relationships in a world that is driven mostly by
self-interest, you are bound to feel hurt and bruised and suffer
from self-pity and self-doubt. Many people are lonely even when
they are in a crowd because they do not feel connected with the
world and its ways. If you are a seeker of truth who believes in
certain values and beliefs you are bound to feel disappointed
with the opportunism and the falsehood upon which many
relationships thrive. Pragmatism teaches you that to be
successful in a relationship, you need to be tactful; but
idealism tell you that to be tactful means to be living a lie.
Perhaps, it may be comforting to
know that a vast majority of people are not really comfortable
with their relationships or good at them. Even the most famous
sages and saintly people in the world, who had the wisdom to
tell you how to live and mange things and people in the world,
had great trouble dealing with people or adjusting to society.
The tragedy of human life is that exceptional intelligence goes
hand in hand with exceptional selectivity and individuality. Socrates, one of the wisest
philosophers of the ancient world, was constantly riled and
ridiculed by his own wife for his lack of interest and
incompetence in household matters. History is replete with
instances where the most intelligent, enlightened and
extraordinarily talented people were criticized, ignored,
ridiculed, insulted, misunderstood, imprisoned, abused, stoned,
tortured, killed, skinned alive or crucified for their lack of
human relationship skills, or "tact." This is not an exaggeration but a fact
well known and well documented in the history of the world.
We tend to glorify exceptional human relationships through
fiction and mythology because we do not find them in real life.
We whet our appetite for idealism in human relationships by
creating the most lovable characters and exemplary human behavior
with the best of our imagination. We also do it by
fictionalizing real people and romanticizing their behavior. We
indulge in this self-delusion because we need images and symbols
of perfect relationships to keep our faith in humanity and aim
for perfection. Such exemplary people and adorable relationships
hardly exist in the real world. Most of us are prone to treat
the world with varying degrees of anger, fear, suspicion. loath and
intolerance. We are difficult people with complex minds and little faith in
the humanity. If you have any doubt, ask yourself, whether you
would ever stop your car to assist a stranger standing on the
roadside in a lonely place in need of help.
The world is impermanent, where things change continuously and
where nothing can be taken for granted. You have to keep this
always in your mind while dealing with the world outside so
that you will not feel hurt or disturbed by mean people or difficult relationships. Selfishness is at
the core of our relationships. If you do not have much to offer
to the world, you will not have friends worth speaking. If your
fortunes fade, your relationships also fade. Few people are
interested in the radiance of your thoughts or the purity of
your heart, but only at the color of your face or the weight of
your purse. If are in love,
beware, because it can fade anytime once the initial enthusiasm
wanes. People come to you when they need you. Once their
interest is served, they will not show their face again until
they need you again. Laila and Majnu or Romeo and Juliet were
products of our idealism about the perfection we can bring to
our relationships. Their creators made sure that they died young before the reality of marriage
wore them down. Imagine what would have happened if they were alive and somehow
succeeded in getting married. The Part two of their famous love
stories would have been like that of any married couple,
spiced with intermittent quarrels, bickering and misunderstandings.
I am not suggesting here that we should not have any
relationships or we should always feel worried and insecure about
them.
There is a lot of truth in what I have said about human
relationships. My point is we need to face the truth concerning
human relationships and learn to cope with it without
getting hurt or disturbed. A relationship is a social contract.
It arises from our inherent desire to extend ourselves and our
identities into the world and things we love and cherish. The best way to deal with your
relationships is to be relationship proof. You
must be strong enough not to be hurt by your relationships. You
must be wise enough to absorb the shocks and surprises that
arise from them. You must be smart enough to get the
best out of them and also be prepared for the worse, which
may happen as people and circumstances change and as
you yourself change. In life, we all need to pay a price for our
relationships and we must be willing to pay it when the time
comes, without feeling oppressed, wronged or disturbed. We
must be realistic enough to admit that relationships are
usually between two people who have their own minds, views,
opinions, interests, preferences and prejudices. We cannot change others, control them,
or coerce them without losing some of our own humanity or decency.
Some relationships are so destructive that people who get into
them eventually lose their humanity and their sense of right and
wrong.
Human nature is like a flickering flame. You can only go that
much closer to a person. Beyond that, you will be burned. You
should always be aware of the invisible barriers that exist
between people, however close they may presume themselves to be.
You cross those boundaries and you will be violating one of the cardinal
principles of human relationships. People do not like you if
they feel that you do not respect their privacy or their
personal space. This is not
cynicism. This is the truth.
Ask yourself. Who gives you maximum
pain and suffering in the world? Usually it is your closest friends and
relations, whom you love and think as your own. Why does it happen? It happens
because in close relationships we tend to forget the personal barriers
and overstep into the sensitive areas where people may feel hurt
or vulnerable. While dealing with close relations, we
also tend to lower our defenses and bare our hearts and souls to
others. In the process, we show others our true feelings or the darker side of
our basic human nature. No one is an exception to these
situations. We tend to lose our balance in close relationships
and in the process we hurt others or feel hurt by them. Human
nature is a mixture of contradictions, most of which we try to
conceal from the world, until we find our match. None should be
blamed for this, because the problem is not with a particular
individual, but the way we are created and molded by Nature and
circumstances. Your emotions tend to overwhelm you when you are
vulnerable and you are very vulnerable in the company of your near
and dear.
Some relationships last for a little while. Some may last
longer; but in the end, all relationships tend to lose their
initial appeal. Hindu tradition recognizes this fact very well.
So do Buddhism and Jainism. The phenomenal world is unstable.
Hence, they call it samsara and advise people to be aware of
desire and attachment and not to expect too much from it.
Buddhism advises people to renounce the world and follow the
Middle Path as and when they realize the significance of the
Four Noble Truths and their implication to human life. Hinduism
lets people experiment with their lives and actions until they
grow tired of it. It suggests that when people reach a certain
age or stage in their lives, they should renounce the world and
retire from all the worldly activity to live in isolation, in
the contemplation of God and in search of liberation. If you are
wise enough, you will perhaps start doing it much earlier in
your life.
Relationships are not set in stone. They are like pieces of
glass. Handle them with care and when they are broken, decide
whether you want to walk away or compromise. When relationships
are broken, you may either let them heal slowly or fade away,
according to your life’s goals, your personal philosophy, your
beliefs and convictions. For a worldly person, a relationship is
either a necessity or an obligation; but for a spiritual person
a relationship is an opportunity to perfect himself by learning
valuable lessons, improving his knowledge and awareness and
cultivating detachment. He does not shun relationships, but
whenever he thinks of a relationship, he keeps reminding
himself, "Even this will fade away!". >
Suggested Further Reading
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